I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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