There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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