Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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