He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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