i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
her vagine was all disorganized.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
