fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
