Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
