The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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