This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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