Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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