3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
