it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
