can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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