The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
