If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
