my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
