Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
