eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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