I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
