We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
