The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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