After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
