So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
