I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You can't motorboat a personality
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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