I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
