i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
