dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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