Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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