Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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