i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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