woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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