Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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