So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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