this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
