Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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