M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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