phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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