Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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