Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
