Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
