end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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