you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
