its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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