i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
