Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
