he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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