I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
