and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
