I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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