Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
