You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
