So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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