I think i peed on brittanys purse
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
